S.I.P. Issue #0 – Return of the Bottom

I have really got to fix this shit. No, I really mean it, I’ve got to get my shit together.
[And for an early preview of what I mean…. this relatively short post was 90% done a week ago. It just needed 5 minutes of work and it was ready for primetime. But it took a week for me to get to it, not out of being too busy, but because of the obstacles I have in my head. We’ll be going into more detail on all of that as this project moves ahead.]
There are a lot of things I want to do. I’m not talking about anything huge and lofty, either. I’m talking side projects, little ideas of things that I think would be neat to work on. Several writing projects – scratch that, a LOT of writing projects, since the ideas have built up over the years and never lived to see a page or screen. Some notions for websites, or apps; I’ve sat on a few ideas so long, what would have naturally been a website would now fit best in an app as our use of technology has changed. Some fitness goals, such as eventually completing another marathon, despite how much I hate running and how grueling the first one was.
There is a lot I want to do, and I haven’t done squat about it. Well, that’s not true. I’ve had intention, which is a requisite I suppose in any endeavor. And I’ve made plans, brilliant and detailed plans. I’ve even registered a few domain names and started some Word files and folders for the writing. And they very quickly evaporated into the ether.
So, I need to fix this. And it has to start from the inside.
I am a lovely little ball of neuroses. It is all standard, off-the-shelf components that were used to build my brain… depression, anxiety, ADHD. A little soupcon of OCD in there, as well (more the ‘don’t step on a crack’ kind than a maintain an immaculate apartment kind, unfortunately). So, unfortunately, none of my writing project ideas is some brilliant autobiography of dealing with some rare condition and how I overcame it. I think a lot of people – possibly nearly most – would ID themselves as having some symptoms of that mix should they look it up on WebMD. Psychiatry tends to have to view these things on the spectrum, and the general idea is that it’s not a “diagnosable” condition unless it is negatively affecting your life. And this shit is.
So, if I want to do what I actually want to do, what I think over again and again and again in my head while I work, I need to get this shit right. And by this shit, I mean mind and body…. more the mind, because I need that to fix the body.
This time, I mean to make some real change. Step one – no hard plan. When I take a trip, I check all the details. And by that, I head to the airport not only knowing exactly my seating, where the charger is near my seat, what the available onboard entertainment and meals are… I usually have seen a picture of the plane I’m taking. Not “oh, this is the type of plane I’ll be flying”, I mean the actual goddamn plane with the actual registration number that will be making that leg. a) Yes, if you cross reference enough websites, you can find that information and b) did I mention the OCD thing?
Historically, I plan out each step ahead of time. And I think that’s been an issue, where I make a plan that’s really detailed with the idea that it will guide me. The problem is that the more narrow a path you make for yourself, the easier it is to get off of it, and when you have my head, that’ll derail you very quickly. Therefore, no plan. A guideline of where I need to go, and steps to take to get there.
So… [for the record, I appear to use “so” a hella lot; it may not appear in this finished product, as I stopped and edited, but dang, I certainly have my verbal/literary tics]
So, goals to fix my foundation:
– I need to regain control over my depression; it ebbs and flows, so I have good days and bad days. But I need to get that fixed.
– I need to better manage my anxiety so I don’t miss out on things because of it.
– I need to reestablish a healthy relationship with food.
And that’s actually just about it. At least the foundation of it. Taking a pad of paper, I can list off all sorts of things that I think I need to do, should do, want to do. But they are either part of the solution to one of the items above, or need one of those items dealt with to clear the way. I should exercise more? That’s both a component to helping with depression and eating, as well as something that will come easier when those are handled. I should work on X project I’ve been wanting to do? Clear up the above and a lot of the friction and mental inertia that I find to be such an obstacle will be lowered, if not completely removed.
So, here’s where I’m at – attempting to do these things, yet again. Scratch that, and scratch that “yet again”. I’m continuing to work on those things. I just got sidetracked a few (dozen) times, and am getting back to it. And it won’t go smoothly, there will be stumbles, and I am sure to get sidetracked quite a few times as I go. The key will be to keep going on this Self-Improvement Project (SIP for short).

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *